Happy new year to all my many readers (Lol!). I have taken some time for reflection on myself and the world. I’m happy to report that I’ve found out that I was psychically damaged from conception by my parents who hated each other. I know this for the truth now as my elderly mother is a bit senile and cannot conceal the truth of my parents relationship. It should never have happened. My father was on the rebound from a rejection and my mother played the “I’m pregnant” scenario and only revealed she wasn’t after they were hastily married in a registry office.
Why didn’t they split? I’m not entirely sure as I’ve been estranged from my father for decades and I’m not even aware if he’s alive any more to even ask. I do know that divorce in those days in England required that fault of some kind be shown and my mother did say that she had kept some pornographic magazines he had in his briefcase and would use them against him in any divorce proceeding. (This was told me by my Mother while I was still a young boy so you can see that the brainwashing was coming from her right from the start.) Pretty full-on mind bending stuff for the participants in this charade of a marriage that produced two sons who were left to be reared by mad, ignorant (mother with no proper schooling due to the blitz during WW2), manipulative, anti-social (possibly sociopath Father as he wouldn’t drink after he nearly bashed some work colleague to death at a works function.) parents being moved at an academic, emotional, and interpersonal relationship ruining pace.
My father (unlike my mother) had been given a good and comprehensive education and his parents made sure he stayed out of the war when he became of conscription age by getting him an apprenticeship in a protected industry (De Haviland aircraft manufacturers). I can only speculate on how he would have felt at being trapped into a loveless marriage when only 26 years old but I do know that he used to tell us kids at many an opportunity that he had never wanted us and it turns out that he only gave her us in return for never asking him for sex again.
We became pawns in their arguments and because we were raised in relative isolation we never had any older role-models to compare and contrast our parents behavior with. I realize now that Derek would still be alive today and I would never have been the distorted personality that I am if my parents not been able to program our behavior to be narcissistic and self-destructive.
Why write this? I’m writing it not so much to embarrass my parents (or myself) but to be honest with people and show why people like me exist and how and why they are distrustful of people and institutions that others will never question in a million years. For me I have to question these things or I would have to write myself off as so many have. I was brought up with no self-esteem, self-respect, or respect for others, but I worked-out (on my own. others were just happy to watch me crash and burn.) that I was deformed in my attitudes and morals but couldn’t work out whether they were me or imposed on me. Now I know they were a consequence of my up-bringing and have found my senile mother’s information necessary to either de-program myself or at least develop work-rounds.
It’s funny how life works out. If i had just run like my parents I may have been successful in life in some ways but I would have been hiding from the truth about myself and caused damage like my parents. To those who I have wronged and/or damaged in my formative years I apologize. Not for forgiveness and not to try and reconnect. Just to say I’m sorry that I could be so wretched.
I can’t speak for others outside my immediate family but the psychological abuse that I suffered traumatized both my brother and I but this trauma was submerged only to resurface in the most upsetting, and embarrassing ways. All triggered by stress and alcohol in later years as adults.
I grew up an angry fool. There is no other way of putting it. If I had had a better perspective then none of this would have happened to me but hind sight is a wonderful thing, they say. It was with this twisted up bringing that I entered adulthood without any proper social training but a stupid desire to be more than I was in the world. Hence I was a fool with alcohol, drugs, sex, and interpersonal relationships. Yep. Just about all there and I can’t help but have a little laugh as I’m reading and writing this and just wondering at my own monumental stupidity.
There were those who saw a fool in the open and made much of setting me up so I would inevitably tear myself down (which I did in a number of ways, all of them humiliating for me and anyone who would try to defend me. You can’t defend a fool who doesn’t know it.)
So now I’m older, wiser, and still poor. But I’m not a fool of my own making anymore. I’m aware of the hierarchy now and where the Elite think I sit in it. Total situational awareness. Here’s an expert.
Will I continue publishing cartoons now that my therapy has moved me to this point?
Tune-in as you never know what you’ll get from me. Just don’t hold your breath as I’m playing with my own type of multi-media and it’s providing it’s own set of problems.
I’ll leave you with some light reading if you are so inclined.
I now realize this is what you are dealing with if you try to change the system for the better. They are highly organized and loyalty is through the blood, and the money, of course. Only a fool would meet them head-on. They like fools. They need them to use as examples of what fools their opponents are, don’t they? I was a fool. Don’t try and represent when you’re a fool. Fool. Get right with yourself first. – Memo to self.