I grew up an angry fool. The elite had fun with me for a while. At my expense. Don’t let your past interfere with your future. Own it. Don’t let it own you. – Memo to self.

Happy new year to all my many readers (Lol!). I have taken some time for reflection on myself and the world. I’m happy to report that I’ve found out that I was psychically damaged from conception by my parents who hated each other. I know this for the truth now as my elderly mother is a bit senile and cannot conceal the truth of my parents relationship. It should never have happened. My father was on the rebound from a rejection and my mother played the “I’m pregnant” scenario and only revealed she wasn’t after they were hastily married in a registry office.

Why didn’t they split? I’m not entirely sure as I’ve been estranged from my father for decades and I’m not even aware if he’s alive any more to even ask. I do know that divorce in those days in England required that fault of some kind be shown and my mother did say that she had kept some pornographic magazines he had in his briefcase and would use them against him in any divorce proceeding. (This was told me by my Mother while I was still a young boy so you can see that the brainwashing was coming from her right from the start.) Pretty full-on mind bending stuff for the participants in this charade of a marriage that produced two sons who were left to be reared by mad, ignorant (mother with no proper schooling due to the blitz during WW2), manipulative, anti-social (possibly sociopath Father as he wouldn’t drink after he nearly bashed some work colleague to death at a works function.) parents being moved at an academic, emotional, and interpersonal relationship ruining pace.

My father (unlike my mother) had been given a good and comprehensive education and his parents made sure he stayed out of the war when he became of conscription age by getting him an apprenticeship in a protected industry (De Haviland aircraft manufacturers). I can only speculate on how he would have felt at being trapped into a loveless marriage when only 26 years old but I do know that he used to tell us kids at many an opportunity that he had never wanted us and it turns out that he only gave her us in return for never asking him for sex again.

We became pawns in their arguments and because we were raised in relative isolation we never had any older role-models to compare and contrast our parents behavior with. I realize now that Derek would still be alive today and I would never have been the distorted personality that I am if my parents not been able to program our behavior to be narcissistic and self-destructive.

Why write this? I’m writing it not so much to embarrass my parents (or myself) but to be honest with people and show why people like me exist and how and why they are distrustful of people and institutions that others will never question in a million years. For me I have to question these things or I would have to write myself off as so many have. I was brought up with no self-esteem, self-respect, or respect for others, but I worked-out (on my own. others were just happy to watch me crash and burn.) that I was deformed in my attitudes and morals but couldn’t work out whether they were me or imposed on me. Now I know they were a consequence of my up-bringing and have found my senile mother’s information necessary to either de-program myself or at least develop work-rounds.

It’s funny how life works out. If i had just run like my parents I may have been successful in life in some ways but I would have been hiding from the truth about myself and caused damage like my parents. To those who I have wronged and/or damaged in my formative years I apologize. Not for forgiveness and not to try and reconnect. Just to say I’m sorry that I could be so wretched.

I can’t speak for others outside my immediate family but the psychological abuse that I suffered traumatized both my brother and I but this trauma was submerged only to resurface in the most upsetting, and embarrassing ways. All triggered by stress and alcohol in later years as adults.

I grew up an angry fool. There is no other way of putting it. If I had had a better perspective then none of this would have happened to me but hind sight is a wonderful thing, they say. It was with this twisted up bringing that I entered adulthood without any proper social training but a stupid desire to be more than I was in the world. Hence I was a fool with alcohol, drugs, sex, and interpersonal relationships. Yep. Just about all there and I can’t help but have a little laugh as I’m reading and writing this and just wondering at my own monumental stupidity.

There were those who saw a fool in the open and made much of setting me up so I would inevitably tear myself down (which I did in a number of ways, all of them humiliating for me and anyone who would try to defend me. You can’t defend a fool who doesn’t know it.)

So now I’m older, wiser, and still poor. But I’m not a fool of my own making anymore. I’m aware of the hierarchy now and where the Elite think I sit in it. Total situational awareness. Here’s an expert.

IMG_1495

Will I continue publishing cartoons now that my therapy has moved me to this point?

Tune-in as you never know what you’ll get from me. Just don’t hold your breath as I’m playing with my own type of multi-media and it’s providing it’s own set of problems.

I’ll leave you with some light reading if you are so inclined.

https://www.docdroid.net/ekiwgMq/el-thebloodlines.pdf

I now realize this is what you are dealing with if you try to change the system for the better. They are highly organized and loyalty is through the blood, and the money, of course. Only a fool would meet them head-on. They like fools. They need them to use as examples of what fools their opponents are, don’t they? I was a fool. Don’t try and represent when you’re a fool. Fool. Get right with yourself first. – Memo to self.

Advertisements

2 thoughts on “I grew up an angry fool. The elite had fun with me for a while. At my expense. Don’t let your past interfere with your future. Own it. Don’t let it own you. – Memo to self.

  1. So where to from here? Now that I have found a new clarity to my existence. I could go into excruciating detail of how my brothers character and my character was assassinated by my parents over my formative years but what’s the point? What’s done is done and at least I know why now so there is no emotional pay-off for me to replay my recollections of my younger days. Or reliving the numerous times I let myself be set-up for a fool in public by a combination of ego, ignorance, and friends who weren’t. I just don’t care so much any more. I’ve seen aspects of the human condition that I needed to confirm from childhood. What are they?
    Outside of family loyalty is bought and sold. End of lesson.

    In many ways it’s a road I never thought I would travel. Free from self imposed chaos. That’s not to say I have no chaos in my life it’s just not destabilizing me as it would in the past. The world is still just as completely fucked-up to me as it was before I came to my clarity of thinking. I’m just not going to add to it any more as I did in the past. I can now cope internally with the fact the world is as it should be considering how so many of us are given no real reason for being here except to appear as a problem when we start to ask why.
    I think we all know in our hearts why their is so much death and suffering in the world. We are willing to sacrifice responsibility from that which we are not legally bound. We are taught to find contempt in the model of morals in natural law and instead try to substitute it with immoral equivalence in our man-made laws.
    We can see that personal morals are not public morals and the sexuality debate is impossible to frame in the public context unless you lift the lid on perversion in general to make the arguments that are made for equality for public expression of that which used to be private. Perversion becomes a non-sequitur in this modern age of moral relativism. The spectacle of the Gay mardi-gras is an example of how sexuality is now acceptable to be on public display in many different forms that will be offensive to people who believe public display of such things is immoral. These peoples concerns are laughed off or attacked as being discriminatory against the LGBTI community.
    Some who have known me in the past may feign surprise at such statements but I have to say I’ve always had a good idea of morality but chose to transgress my own moral lines in my quest for insight even if it meant self destruction. Luckily I didn’t self destruct and instead finally found the core of my being wasn’t evil just twisted from before birth. I’ve managed to untwist it enough to stop causing myself unnecessary emotional pain and social embarrassment. Giving up drinking alcohol ten years ago was the final step I needed to take. It was the substance that unhinged me and caused all the unresolved conflicts of parental abandonment to make me act out and wreck my reputation. Repeatedly. I wont try to go into all the where’s and why fores but for all my intelligence I was pretty dumb when it came to recognizing I was never going to be able to handle a skin full of alcohol and that’s (unfortunately) how I used to drink. I still smoke but that’s a habit that doesn’t affect my judgement to my detriment. My health not withstanding. I know it’s better not to smoke but then again it’s not good to be stressed out by the precarious nature of my existence to be able to just give it away in my pursuit of being free from addiction.
    Anyway, I just thought I’d add that Barnaby Joyce has helped lift the lid on the scab that is the nexus of power and sex in Canberra. I was listening to some paid, female, MSM journalist/propaganda consultants and they were talking about how they could feel the sexual power frenzy whenever they were around politicians and their media announcements no matter how mundane the initiative or department it comes from.
    So when you hear announcements about banning sex between Ministers and staffers just realize that at that moment those males doing the talking are probably half barred-up and the staffers in various states of sexual arousal or disgust are squirming just in front of them. The staffers getting all horny would include the entire LGBTI spectrum as the parliamentarians have shown how LGBTI friendly they are and would be positively discriminating in their favor. As it always has been in those areas anyway.
    Just so long as our politicians are seen to be doing the right thing……..

  2. W. A. Nationals have stepped out and done the right thing. I might be sounding like a fan but I’ve never felt connected to the National Party. However, in these circumstances of having made comment on a live issue, I’ll do the right thing and play along as I need to and state that as it stands the statement from the
    W. A. Nationals is a shred of hope that some of our elected officials have some decency and wont reward the appalling behavior of it’s national leader.
    If Joyce gets away with what he’s done without financial and career penalty then it truly makes a mockery of our system of Parliamentary privilege by extending it to ministers personal lives by their own doing. Let me explain.
    When you occupy a position of such power and authority it comes as no surprise that the people you have working for you are utterly dependent on your good graces as to how they will fare in that kind of service with those kinds of financial/social rewards. They will mostly do anything, and I mean anything, that person with power and authority over them wants.
    Certain politicians know how to play this very well and if it hadn’t been for the circumstances around Joyce it would never have been allowed to go MSM public the way it has. For instance, I only found out through the MSM that these allegations were swirling around on social media from last year. That is the power of the MSM and the people in the truth movement should always keep that in mind.
    But I digress.
    No one in authority isn’t aware of how the power relation between boss and employee makes having sex with your subordinate fraught with negative consequences. But they still do it. That’s what power does to a bunch of people when you take them away from their families and encourage them to form completely separate relationships in a distant palace. A palace of secrets.
    The rush must be huge to their ego’s. We know what happens next.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s